SAF

March 4th 2012

Yesterday just seemed so unreal. The whole thing seemed skewed. I don’t really have a specific word to express it. The fact that I had to witness everything in front of me makes me cringe. My heart felt like it was in my throat when he first came into view. My vision blurred. The anger started to pick up. That wasn’t even the worse part. I could care less that he wanted to fight but the fact that you would go out of my field of vision scared me to death. My mind began killing itself. “what are they saying?” “what if he tries something?” “do I go outside?” we’re just a few of the questions that plagued me. But I kept my word and trusted you with it till the very end. Two hours of patience. I was rewarded with you safely in my passenger seat on our way to your house. My adrenaline was still pumping and my hands shaking. My mind filled with so many questions that demanded answers.

And that’s where I messed up.

In my flurry of questions I skipped over one that was (or should’ve been) obvious: How are you REALLY feeling? I just went off with what you told me and I took your word for it. But after reading your post about your experience from last night I had the strangest feeling. I told you that night that I had a sense of peace, like the storm had finally passed. What I failed to see was the wreckage after the storm. What was broken and battered because of the fight against it. That’s what you were. Are. I felt a sting of pain when I read that your “chest is heavy and your heart is sad” that it might show up on your face from time to time. I don’t know how to feel about that. My selfishness is screaming at me to just let it go, but my heart hates it when yours is sad. You had to do what you did, for us. But you are also human and you feel others pain. You sympathize with people. You are a loving person. It’s your nature.

I don’t know what to do with the way I feel about it all. I know you love me and wouldn’t want to hurt me again, you proved that to me last night. So I’ll love you through this sadness. I pray that you will learn to forgive yourself for whatever pain you’ve caused; may it be to him or me. Cause I do see you trying to be a better person, a better christian. That’s something I’ve ALWAYS admired about you. Don’t dwell on it because that will only make you regret and you don’t need that on your heart. Don’t simply “get over it” give it up to God and leave it there. Don’t carry it around with you, leave it in His hands. Just know through whatever trials and “altercations” that may arise I’m with you. A husband does not let his wife carry the burden alone. We’re in this together. So lean on me, I’m here to support you and to trust you. Don’t forget that. You were right about the end of the aisle being far away but it looks beautiful love. We’ll get there together I promise. I want to make you the happiest woman in the world not just on that day but everyday before and afterwards. I love you my wife.